Most of the people who have researched shyness up to now haveconcentrated upon general shyness. In interviewing hundreds of youngmen it became very clear to me that only one form of shyness causedsevere and chronic emotional pain. Only one form of shyness createdfeelings of deprivation so excruciatingly painful that it severely distractedand handicapped its victims' ability to concentrate on work, school, andother important facets of their everyday lives. I decided to call this formof shyness "love-shyness". And it is, in essence, a painful bashfulnessand behavioral inertia that effectively prevents its victims from makingany kind of overtures vis-a-vis members of the opposite sex. Love-shynessis strongly associated with many of the more general forms of shyness.But since it is the most emotionally debilitating of all forms of shynessI decided that it is the form most deserving of research attention.
As a case in point, many people are too shy to start conversationswith strangers. And yet everyday people with this deficit manage to gothrough life perfectly happy and adequately well-adjusted. In short,many men with wives and children are too inhibited to deal in an open,friendly way vis-a-vis strangers--even though most of them might verymuch like to be able to do so. The fact that these people have their wivesand children along with usually a small circle of friends serves to effec-tively cushion them against long-term feelings of unhappiness anddepression.
Men who are too shy to interact informally with women atall do not have and are effectively blocked from obtaining this cushion. A condition known as "speech reticence" represents another area ofshyness that has received a good deal of research attention lately. Buta person can go all the way through life without ever getting up to makea speech (or entertain), and still be at least satisfactorily happy if notvery happy. To be sure, speech reticence can impede career advance-ment. In some fields of endeavor it can even obviate success. However,most careers do not require the ability to engage in public speaking.And whereas a speech professor might view serious deficits in this areaas "tragic" or "intolerable", in point of fact the large apathetic "silentmajority" does not appear to have its lives cramped very much by thisproblem.
But more importantly, a relative dearth or absence of "speech ret-icence" does not assure against love-shyness. Almost three out of every tenlove-shy men interviewed for this study were not at all afraid to talkpublicly. In fact, many of them greatly relished every opportunity theycould obtain for talking or entertaining in some way before the public.These men were shy only in situations where there is no script--wherethere is no clearly defined, non-ambiguous role to play. Hence, manylove-shys are shy only in situations where there is no purpose apartfrom pure, unadulterated sociability. Let this sort of person talk beforea large audience and he will enjoy every minute of it. On the other hand,put this person in a in a coctail party situation, or worse yet in a one-on-onesituation with a woman whom he finds attractive, and he will freeze. Of course, in all candor I must agree that seventy percent of thelove-shys I studied were too shy to speak publicly. However, it appearsquite clear that any remedying of this deficit would in no way assure aremission of the love-shyness problem. In fact, even if a shy personcould be turned into an outstanding public speaker, this would in noway assure him of what he will need to secure the affectionate femalecompanionship that he so greatly needs and requires.
The moral here is simply that of let's take first things first. An inabilityto function in a purely social, sociable situation wherein there is nopurpose apart from pure friendliness, is far more debilitating to a per-son's personal, social, and business life, than is any inability to deliverspeeches or any inability to start conversations with strangers. Simplyput, we will be serving the needs of mankind far better if we focus ourattentions upon the alleviating and curing of love-shyness. The otherforms of shyness are of far less importance and can for the most partbe ignored. To the extent that a person has his love-shyness remedied,to that extent the other forms of shyness with which he may be afflictedwill eventually take care of themselves.
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